Sometimes I’m scared of disappearance


The project “Sometimes I’m scared of disappearance” is dedicated to the problem of panic attacks. Panic attack is an unexplained anxiety attack followed by somatic symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, difficulty in breathing, chest pain, abdominal pain and other (set of symptoms may vary), derealization and depersonalization, fear of death or dementation.

Recurrence of panic attacks can lead to avoidance behaviour, agoraphobia and isolation. The project represents dynamics and symptoms of a panic attack, feeling of danger and impending disaster. Symbolism of corporeality refers to somatic symptoms of this condition and to the fear that these symptoms are a consequence of dangerous somatic disease, and the fear of disintegration of mind and body. This leads to the problem of dependency of human existence on their body, prone to breakage and decay, and of associated existential fear of death.


The idea of the triptych "Premonition" was born during the discussion of my another artwork with my colleague. “Premonition that something is going to happen but you don't know what it is”. Then I started to think about this premonition. I am very familiar with it: in nightmares when you feel that the door is going to slam and a terrible but unknown catastrophe is going to take place; in reality in unclear anxiety or the feeling that something important is to collapse. Sometimes this feeling is true and is close to intuition; sometimes it is based on nothing and itself leads us to disaster.


Before I took the diptych "Fever", a had an interesting discussion during a portfolio review. I showed my work “Asphyxia”, and the reviewer asked me why I’m interested in death. I didn’t think about it this way: yes, “Asphyxia” was about death also, but more about fear and the feeling of hopelessness. So, I looked at my work from a different angle: all of these conditions and fears seemed to be connected and be a part of something more universal. This was the fear of inevitable destruction, my own fear.


I saw these fish at the fish market in Hong Kong. Fish doomed to die were locked in the suffocately tight space and were looking at me with their blind eyes. It looked like instead of water there was sweat on the aquarium walls. This artwork contains my fear of being trapped, and a more global problem of entanglement of a person or a whole society in a hopeless situation, and hope for liberation.